Not Even Remotely Funny
by SapphireMind
Summary: They're not in Kansas anymore. Duke, Scarlett, Lady Jaye and Flint are about to go on the adventure they never dreamed about.
1. Home Suite Home

This is another one spurred by a convo on the list. I take very little blame/credit :) The characters belong to others, I'm just borrowing a lot.

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It was just another day at the G.I. Joe headquarters, fondly known as the Pit. Scarlett, Duke, Lady Jaye and Flint had gathered in Duke's quarters for an afternoon of watching movies and sports. Everyone brought something to watch then they were going to draw straws to see who got their wish.

"So what did you bring Jaye?" Scarlett peered over her shoulder.

Jaye sighed melodramatically, "Steel Magnolias." A chorus of groans went up from the other three people and she looked offended, "It's a classic I'll have you know and -"

"And you once played Shelby," Scarlett, Duke and Flint all finished in unison.

Jaye blushed, "Oh, I guess I told you guys about that before."

"Only about a million times sweetie," Flint said gently, giving her a kiss. "It's ok. I've got the answer to everyone's prayers: The Ring."

"No way! I'll never sleep again if I watch that!" Jaye protested.

"That's the idea," he said and winked to the laughing Scarlett and Duke. "So what are your choices?"

"Ella Enchanted." Everyone just stared at her, "What? It's a good movie! None of you would see it with me in the theater so I got the DVD." Everyone just continued to stare at her, "I am allowed to be a girl every once in a while. I can't always bring 'Enter the Dragon', sorry!"

Duke kissed her with a chuckle, "You're very good at being a girl sometimes." She rolled her eyes and folded her arms crossly at everyone snickering at her. "I clearly have chosen the best one-"

"If you say 'Bridge Over River Kwai', Duke, so help me God..." Scarlett warned.

Duke stole a guilty look to his girlfriend and internally thanked the heavens that this was in his quarters so he could change his choice. "Uh. No! Of course not. It's..." He hunted around mentally for other DVDs he had, then remembered the perfect one. "Pirates of the Caribbean," he said triumphantly. Scarlett had given him that DVD but they hadn't had a chance to watch it yet.

Grumbles of agreement sounded that perhaps he did have the best choice of any of them, but they all gamely threw their names into the hat and Duke drew out the winner. "And we will be watching..." He looked at the name on the slip and took a deep breath and tried to not sound disappointed, "Ella Enchanted."

Scarlett squealed happily and clapped, bouncing over to the couch to make herself comfortable. Flint grumbled as he lowered himself into a chair, "Can I at least watch the end of the Kansas State football game?"

Everyone looked hopefully to Scarlett who waved her hand imperially, knowing she was the queen of the TV for the afternoon. "Let it be so."

O o o o o o o o o O

A knock sounded on the door to Duke's quarters, everyone's eyes going to the door and then Duke in turn. Their relationships were the worst kept secrets on base, but that didn't mean they wanted to throw it in the faces of the other team members. Everyone hushed as Duke answered the door. "Yes?"

Shipwreck's smirking face greeted him, "Hey Top, this just came for you." He handed Duke a small package with no return address.

"Who is it from?" He inspected the package carefully. Shipwreck shrugged and Duke looked at him sharply, "You're just bringing me an unmarked package that no one knows who it is from? What the hell are you thinking? It could be a bomb!"

"It's not ticking," Shipwreck suggested helpfully with a smirk. A glare greeted the joke, "We x-rayed it, Top. It looks like it's a TV remote control. Didn't you say yours broke?"

Duke's shoulders relaxed. He wondered why the company didn't put a return address on the package, but at least he finally had a new remote for his TV. "Thanks Shipwreck."

"My pleasure, Duke. Have fun with Scarlett this afternoon. Keep it quiet." Shipwreck's eyebrows wiggled suggestively, then he fled before Duke could react. Jaye and Flint roared with laughter though.

"You two can get loud sometimes!" Jaye said, bringing a blush to Scarlett and Duke's faces.

"Like you two have any room to talk. I know way more than I ever wanted to about your sexual practices, cowboy." Scarlett retorted, now causing her friends to flush with embarrassment.

Flint held up his hands, "Ok ok, let's shut up so I can watch the game."

"Oh hell no, Flint. I need to test out this baby." Duke grinned, sitting on the couch and getting Scarlett's legs draped over him. He fingered the new remote lovingly. So many buttons, so little time.

"Uh-oh Jaye, I think I've been replaced." Scarlett grinned, watching Duke and his new remote. Duke tickled her and she giggled. "Come on, I want to watch Ella Enchanted!"

"Just a quick test drive," he promised, kissing her on the cheek.

O o o o o o o o o o o o o O

"Package delivered successfully, sirs." The cobra trooper saluted crisply.

"Excellent! The fun," Xamot began.

"Is about to start," Tomax finished and they both laughed maniacally.


	2. The Real World

A/N: I'm sure you all have been waiting with baited breath, right? Yeah. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Let me know any shows you want to see ;)

O o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o O

This is the story of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives tapes to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real.

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Not breathing. Shana realized she wasn't breathing. One second more, she realized she was underwater and panicked, how did she get underwater and how would she get air? She kicked frantically, being almost sheepish to realize that her feet could touch the bottom if she tried.

Her head broke the surface of the water and she took great gulping breaths of air. She saw out of the corner of her eyes that Conrad, Dash and Allie were all doing likewise. "What in the hell happened?" she croaked, looking at each in turn, seeing the bewildered faces that greeted her.

"No idea. Where are we?" Dash asked, looking at their surroundings. It was dark and they were in a lighted pool. He heaved himself out of the pool, offering a hand to Allie. Conrad mimicked the action, helping his girlfriend.

"I don't know. Somewhere tropical," Shana answered, noting that it was balmy and warm and there were palm trees in the grass.

"Who's there? I swear to God, if you are drunk and puking in the pool again Hank, I'm kicking your bleep !" A female voice called from the sliding door leading to the house.

All four soldiers froze. "Did you hear that?" Allie whispered.

Shana nodded her head slowly, "She just 'bleeped'. How do you make that noise?"

"Shut up Candy, I'm sober tonight. Well. Mostly." A muffled male voice was heard from a window in response to the shrill scream.

"I don't like this. I think we should get out of sight," Conrad said uneasily. They crept silently towards the shadows, when Allie's eyes went as large as saucers and she froze where she was.

"No. It can't be." She moved to get a better view of the house and the pool, leaving her bewildered friends behind. "Oh God, how is this happening? This is impossible! But…Oh God!"

"What's impossible? Some of us have yet to make the same stunning revelation that you have," Dash hissed at her.

"We're at the 'Real World' house." She stared back at her friends.

Shana looked at her like she was insane, "No way."

"Think! Hank, puking in the pool? Candy, the anal-retentive clean freak? Look at the porch! That's where Matt and Hugo got it on!" Allie pointed, knowing her friend watched the reality show with her.

"Holy bleep ! You're right." She stopped, looking around, a little freaked out by the sound of a chime coming from her mouth. " bleep bleep ing bleep . This is not bleep ing happening." Shana looked at the men, who were just staring at her. "Swear, try it."

Dash couldn't help but smirk, "I want to bleep you like an animal." When he finished quoting the line, he realized that he too was bleeping instead of swearing.

"Something really weird is going on. What were we doing before this happened?" Conrad asked, thinking.

"THE NEW REMOTE!" they all said in an excited whisper, all coming to the same conclusion at the same time.

"Where is it?" Allie asked, looking at Conrad expectantly. "Do you still have it?"

He patted himself down, then looked back to the pool where they had come from. " bleep ! I dropped it in the pool."

"Whoever's down there, we're armed-" A different female voice called down to them. Janey, the daughter of survivalists and a gun-nut. Allie and Shana started looking scared.

"And dangerous!" This was a male voice that Shana recognized as Steve, the corn-fed jock that was always overcompensating, trying to convince the world that he wasn't gay, despite his liking for track lighting.

"Great, Janey and Steve; we're dead," Shana muttered. To punctuate the point, a gunshot sounded into the air.

Allie took no more time to think, sprinting for the pool, diving in smoothly. She opened her eyes, ignoring the sting of the chlorine. She searched for the black remote on the bottom of the pool. She saw it, her lungs burning for air and feeling a bullet displace the water to her left side. She made a desperate grab for it, and just as her fingers closed around the plastic…

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Cobra Commander rubbed his hands together gleefully as a televiper came to fetch him and tell him that the Joes had been spotted on his special TV. He hurried to the den, motioning to Destro as he walked, "I think you'll want to ssssee thissss Dessstro."

Destro cocked a silver eyebrow at his 'leader', greatly doubting that he would really be interested, but followed, out of sheer boredom. "What is it Commander?" He demanded in his imperial English accent.

"Look!" He pointed triumphantly to the screen, where he could see Lady Jaye, Flint, Duke and Scarlett dragging themselves out of a pool.

"And what am I supposed to be so impressed with? The Joes are getting free publicity?" Destro frowned; the Baroness had always wanted to be on one of those reality shows and if she heard the Joes were, she'd throw a fit until she entered them both in "The Amazing Race".

"Look you nitwit! Ssssee how confusssed they are? Thisss isss Mindbender'sss latessst toy!" Destro still was looking at him expectantly, not getting the significance. "They're actually **in** the ssshow!" Cobra Commander clapped gleefully like a little girl.

"Interesting. Do we control them?" He peered at the screen.

"Well, no, not exactly. Mindbender hasssn't gotten to that part yet. But we do have a remote!" He waved it in the air enthusiastically. "We can control where they go!"

Destro looked closer, "Don't they have a remote too?" Nothing good ever seemed to come from Mindbender's toys, so he chose to retain his cynicism.

"No. I don't think so. Do they?" He joined Destro near the screen, trying to figure out if one of them held a remote. They heard the whispered words of the Joe's plan to get the remote from the pool. "NOOOOOOO! Don't do that!"

"Quick Commander, change the channel before they can reach it!" Destro barked.

He looked for where he put the remote down, diving for it and quickly turning the channel. Still clutching the remote, he rejoined Destro at the screen and whispered, "Did it work?"


	3. Jerry Springer

AN: What can I say, but I'm on a roll!

* * *

Allie blinked her eyes, looking around, realizing she was now sitting and out of the water. Triumphantly, she held up the remote control, looking for her comrades. She blinked, realizing she was on a stage, sitting next to Shana and Dash with Conrad on the other end, with a large studio audience in front of her.

"What the hell is going on here?" she whispered frantically to Dash. He gave her a shocked look and shrugged as another voice spoke loudly.

"We'd like to welcome today Mary-Jane, Helen, Mike and Rod. Mike and Rod are cousins and the four of them have been best friends for most of their life. They're planning a double wedding for the fall. But, Mike and Rod have come here today to talk to their women and what is it you want to say boys?"

Duke looked frantically around for the source of the voice. He knew it sounded familiar and it gave him a sense of foreboding, but he couldn't pinpoint it. "Uh. Well. I can't think of anything," he said lamely. Boos and hisses erupted from the crowd.

"Now come on Mike, that's not what you told our producers. Why don't you just come out with it?"

"Why don't you? Maybe it would be easier that way," Dash threw in, trying to get his bearings. More boos and hisses and Dash looked around with bewilderment, unsure of what he was doing wrong. "Maybe you should try hitting one of those buttons," he whispered frantically to Allie.

"Don't you think I'm trying? I think the water screwed it up," she muttered angrily while fiddling with the remote.

While they whispered, the unseen man came into view and said loudly, "Fine, if you want me to tell them, I will." The audience roared its approval and started chanting 'Jerry' over and over again. "Mary-Jane, Helen….Mike and Rod have been having affairs." A horrified gasp went from the audience, then derisive insults being hurled every which way. Jerry held up his hands for silence. "But there's more! Just who have they been having an affair with but…..each other!"

"WHAT!" the four Joes leapt to their feet in unison, looking shocked while the studio went nuts, chanting 'Jerry' again.

"I want out of here right NOW," Dash said angrily to Allie.

"I'm trying, don't you think I'm trying?" she snapped in reply.

"You aren't really having an affair with Dash, right?" Shana asked, frowning.

"How could you even ask that? Of course I'm not!" Conrad growled back.

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Cobra Commander clapped gleefully in his chair. "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!"

Destro rolled his eyes at the infantile display, although he should be used to it by now. "Yes, this is clearly going to rid us of the Joes. We're going to humiliate them to death," he said sarcastically. "Haven't you seen them whispering? Their remote isn't working. Now is the time to take your time and send them somewhere not as safe.

"Which button do I press to get the program guide? Or is there an old TV Guide laying around here somewhere?" the Commander asked hopefully.

"Incompetent fool." Destro snatched the remote from the blue-clad leader, pressing a quick sequence of numbers. "Now, this I am looking forward to. I might even get some questions answered." The Commander looked at him quizzically, then looked back at the screen to see what happened.

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"I'm sorry, but it's not like there haven't been rumors before!" Shana shot back.

"What do you mean? Who says that?" Dash broke in angrily. "I would never…!"

"You better not mister," Allie said threateningly.

"What's wrong with me that you're so horrified?" Duke asked insistently, hands on his hips.

"Yeah, what's wrong with him?" Scarlett mimicked the pose perfectly.

"For God's sake, think about this for a second! Think what you're asking!" Flint was fairly horrified at the direction this whole thing was turning. He looked over to Jaye quickly, "You figure that damned thing out yet?"

"I'm trying. Maybe if you freaks would st-…"


	4. Lost

Not breathing

'Water again. Great,' thought Shana as she spit out a mouthful of salt water. 'Definitely not a pool though.' Her eyes strained to see in the darkness as she swam easily to the shore. "Conrad?" she called out quietly.

"Over here, Shana." It wasn't Conrad's, but Dash's voice she heard. She walked over the sand to him, trying to take in her surroundings to guess where they were. She looked at him with an arched brow and he shook his head, "I don't know either."

"Well, let's think about this logically." Dash gave her an incredulous look, considering their situation. "Well, as logically as we can, all things considered," she conceded before continuing, "We're by an ocean. I see a jungle. Now that has to narrow down the choices."

"Survivor?" Dash asked hopefully, he'd always been a fan of that show. Movement to their right cut off any further words from him.

"Oh shit. I know where we are," Shana moaned.

"Where is Claire? What do you want with her?" a clipped almost British accent asked them.

Shana held her hands up to show that they were unarmed, "We don't have Claire, we're not who you think we are, Sayid."

The Iraqi's eyes narrowed at her dangerously, "Then how did you know my name?"

Before either of them could answer, they were being tackled and bags placed over their heads.

O o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o O

_Phbbt. _Alison spit a leaf out of her mouth. She looked around quickly for the others. Conrad was crouched behind a bush, watching something with wide eyes.

"This is a bad place to be, Ali. We need to find Shana and Dash and get out of here." A metal grinding sound suddenly filled the air and Conrad grabbed Ali by the arm, "It's the Island, we have to run!" He half-dragged his teammate through the forest, trying to outrun the horrible noise.

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"Black smoke! It's going to get them!" Destro exclaimed. "I want to know what happens when it does!"

Cobra Commander looked at Destro sullenly, "What are you going on about?" He didn't know what they were watching and it didn't seem that interesting or dangerous to him.

"Lost, you fool! Some big secret is supposed to be revealed tonight!" Destro explained quickly, trying to get the Commander caught up on the action while the commercials were still on. "Jack and the rest of the survivors of the plane crash are on a deserted island, except it's not deserted, there are other people, and they've kidnapped Claire, who's very pregnant. The Island has been hunting people, there are polar bears running around and everything is told through flashbacks. Understand?" He cut off quickly when the show came back on.

Cobra Commander looked at Destro blankly as he rambled on. "Boring. I'm changing it." He grabbed the remote and changed the channel, causing Destro to try to grab for the remote back.

The two began wrestling, trying to gain control over the other, and more importantly, the remote, when it was plucked out of their hands by the Baroness.

"Now now, children. Don't fight. I'll pick what we're going to watch if you can't agree." And she turned the channel again.

O o o o o o o o o o o o o O

A/N Short chap I know, but some is better than none, right? 


End file.
